Sacrifice

My theme, the purpose in my blogging, began with my need to just write. It's a journal more than a blog, I suppose. It's morphed into a log of my daily quips, testaments, trials, etc. I suppose I don't really have a purpose, per se? I suppose, I just chose this place to document my thoughts and one day pass them along to another generation that might very well have the same struggles, thoughts or considerations.

So, I write...what I experience. I write...what I have learned. I write, mostly...for my children and their children. One day, I hope to print all of this off and let them bind it up and reference it like a great ".... for Dummies."

Today's thoughts are many, full of curiosity, doubt and confirmation.

We just had a great teaching on what is costs to follow Christ, a message that was difficult and timely. On Monday, it was followed by a faith-buidling testimony of a sister within the church who has overcome so much in the way of medical reliance, it's almost unbelieveable. I was so overwhelmed with the revelation and faith steps shared, that it still continues to churn in my mind and challenge my abnormal-norm.

After this conversation (with my sister in Christ), I told my husband: "I just don't know that I am where I should be in the faith arena." I shared some of my specific concerns (i.e., utilizing doctors vs. having faith in God) and, as a wise man and leader of this home he responded with:

"well, you're not ready to die for your faith today either, but, should that time come, you will very well be able to perform that which God has required of you." (Side note- one of my favorite life applicable scriptures is: He that has begun a good work in you will continue until the day of Christ Jesus - Phil 1:6, how appropriately war-like it was that in this moment of time (and doubt) I was unable to call it to mind--pshhhh, the enemy knows how to distract me)!

"...in other words, today has enough worry of its own (another biblical principle/tidbit) why are you concerned about something that is not applicable to you today?" says my hero on earth (husband). (I know, great catch right? Sorry ladies, all mine).

I guess...I don't have a good reason to be concerned with any of this- unless I can 'work' out my own salvation, which I cannot. In terms of my walk, I suppose this was just another opportunity for the enemy to put me into the bondage of works, fear, disbelief and doubt. I despise him! After that brief conversation and subsequent encouragement, I was settled and content to leave it, kind of.

I constantly contemplate and consider what I have been taught (both naturally and spiritually) and what I hear, see & experience throughout a day. Sometimes, it leads to great encouragement and sometimes, doubt and disbelief.

I find this scripture to be so very true:

Eph6:12
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].

My thought life is a critical part of this war, isn't it? What I think on - matters! Every exposure is an oppotunity for increased faith and overcoming or distraction, discouragement and doubt (which by the way is ths opposite of faith). I am learning so much right now about my Lord and what He says, requires and promises me and the generations to follow! I feel sort of immature, to a point. I seek Him constantly for wisdom regarding all things; I know He will be faithful to reveal what and where teachings and testimonies are applicable to my life but this does not prevent the wheel from spinning, constantly.

I have been meditating long and hard on what the message on Sunday means to my life specifically. The question posed - "What will it cost to follow Christ?" The answer is: EVERYTHING. This made me mad. Then it made me sad. I was definitely convinced by the Word of this precept by the end of the evening- (not without a fight though).

In the last few years, I have begun to understand and learn that while what we've been provided here on earth matters and should not be taken for granted or misused------> nothing should be put before the Lord Jesus in life, even if it cost you that gift/relationship. (What?!) I mean, WHAT?! Our Heavenly Father will require us to leave things and(most shockingly)people behind? WHAT?!

"What does that mean" I asked myself. I have been asking myself this question for two years now. Am I supposed to separate myself from the very natural means of my life? The life I was raised to thrive in, enjoy, cherish and love? Am I supposed to 'testify' or 'save' them with my words? Or, do I let go and let God? Do I make a stand against sin where I know it to exist? Do I agree with the sin situation by sitting silent about it and pretending that it doesn't matter?

I constantly feel bad for setting boundaries, or saying 'no' to the most basic 'worldly christian' values and I am learning that leaving people behind to chase the Truth---because of the Truth and for adhereance to the TRUTH---is part of the sacrifice. (Sunday's message was about just this subject) I would venture to say this kind of sacrifice, is one of the most difficult for me, to date. (Of course, I always thought laying down beer & cigarettes was to be the HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD TO DO! Boy, was I wrong!) Does any of this make sense? Ah, well, it's meant for my sanity, not necessarily yours.

Jesus called His disciples and they just dropped what they were doing and left. They didn't say things like:

*Can I say goodbye to my spouse, child, parents, siblings, friends?
*What about that relationship- where that person is in deep bondage and needs some Jesus? Just leave them there? Without my wisdom (pshhh)? Without witness?
*What do I do w/ the house?
*Am I supposed to just quit my job?
*Can I pack some clothes? I just need my favorite pair of jeans?

Now, the Bible (which I believe is the inspired WORD OF GOD) simply says they were
'called' and indicates no hesitation on their part to leave it all behind and follow.

And, then there is me... (and maybe you), who questions what He is saying to me. Leave all I love behind? Don't explain anything? Don't 'cast your pearls before the swine'? Dust yourself off from those who will not feed/clothe you and move onto to the next home? Don't justify my position and love for You? Don't attempt to 'save' their soul through my own testimony? What? How is this the love of God?

See, isn't this the most complex mind you've ever read?

I want to love the Lord MORE THAN ANYTHING OR ANYONE. The question is- do I? How do I? Do I have the faith to move those mountains?