Yesterday I compiled a letter to a teenage daughter of a dear friend. It was 5 pages. That's kind of ridiculous, right? I intended to send the letter in the mail today and with the prompting of the Lord, have decided against it. I wanted to share my testimony, paint a picture of consequences and encourage good choices. I wanted to penetrate her heart and give her hope. After prayer and careful consideration, I realized...what am I going to say that engage her? My testimonies are great, but, His Words are better. They are life to a darkened soul. I will need to rethink my motives and my words. Pray for me to share in love and encouragement whatever God has for me too, would you?
This young lady has been struggling with some depression and I assume substance abuse (?) and subsequently finds herself in rehab. My heart aches for her. I think about where I was and what I was doing at her age and I just want to scream "STOOOOPPP! I know the end result of these choices!" I can't though. And, as I meditated upon my mini-novella, I decided that the best advice I can give to a teenager is ---no advice---but prayer and His words of hope, right? I mean, what kind of adult advice did I take as a growing teenager enticed by the ways of this world? Uh...none. So, today, I will revise my letter and pray that God will pour out the verbiage and draw her close to Him. My God is capable of saving this child, I am not. Revisiting my teenage beginnings like this has stirred up a moment of my life I would like to capture here in writing. I would say it was the beginning of my 'from there to here' story, you know? I want to write this and share it with Olivia one day, when she is a teenager, Lord willing ;o).
When I was 14 (around there), I went away with a friend of mine to Panama City Beach, FL. It was a church retreat and although I knew nothing about Protestant/Baptist religion or church, I was very excited to be a part of a group that did not require any athletic capability or trend-setting styles. Tiffany was the name of the girl I tagged along with; she had been a friend of mine from middle school and our friendship was just at the point of being over (unbeknownst to the both of us). Tiffany was raised by a single mom. She dated some of the 'popular' guys I had always dreamed about receiving notes from. She was cute, dressed in all the latest trends and very mischievous. It was not a 'church/worship Jesus trip' that we were really looking forward to being a part of; it was the idea of being away from our homes and going to the beach! What young teenage girl would not be excited about the opportunity to be 'all grown up?' I was. I was enamoured by her, the idea of being away, and of course, the cute boy (whose name shall remain anonymous)who paid absolutely no mind to me at all.
I arrived at the church in downtown. It was nice, I suppose. It was very large. The boys and girls going on the trip were busy playing basketball and flirting with one another. I sat, awkwardly, on the gymnasium floor and watched. We spent the evening in the gym floor, swapping sordid gossip and stories that would frighten us. I am positive we were up until dusk although we couldn't see for sure. We left nearly the same time the sun came up, taking a school bus there and singing secular songs (that surprisingly I was not all together familiar with). Red Hot Chili Peppers, I think? They had just come out with a new song -and I knew- (of course)- none of the lyrics. Tiffany did. The cute boy did. Heck, most of the bus did. I just grabbed the chorus verses and went with it.
6 or 8 hours later, we pulled up to a baby blue motel. I cannot remember the name of the place now, but, I know it was something "Christian." We bunked in our rooms and met in the chapel. It was small, cramped and damp. In fact, as I write, I think it rained a good bit of the time we were there. Chapel took an hour or so, we ate and went back to our bungalows (I think)? A lot of the trip time is a blur. We had to go to chapel twice a day and the rest of the day was ours...I believe? Tiffany and I would venture to the beach, layout in the sun and talk about 'the cute boy' that was with our youth group and the one she was dating at the time.
Anyway, on the day before we left, I remember being in chapel and listening to this young Pastor talk about salvation. He spoke about Jesus and what it meant to have Him in life, to experience endless love and to know peace. I had never heard any such nonsense about surrendering my heart or speaking a prayer of repentance, etc., until this moment. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I began to weep. Yes, I began to cry for no apparent reason. I then began to sob. Slobbery, wet, endless tears of ...desire? saddness? emptiness? hope? I have no idea? I didn't then and I don't now. If I must nail it down, I would have to say-hope? I wanted what that man had spoken about. I wanted Jesus in my heart. I wanted to be loved by Him. I needed it- deep, deep, deep inside my soul! I felt a deep rooted, pit of the stomach MUST HAVE-NEED TO HAVE- GOT TO HAVE that kind of security. My heart wanted this JESUS and the LOVE that comes with Him.
That night, I got up in front of all those strangers, Tiffany and the cute brown-haired, brown-eyed hunk- awkwardly sobbing, red-faced, snotty, and embarrassed. I told the Lord Jesus that I knew I was a sinner. I asked forgiveness for my sin and asked Him to be my Saviour. The depth of emotion in me overflowed in a way it had never before. To this day, I remember the feeling deep inside of the the welled up tears were rooted in my soul. It was and still is...indescribable.
I gave my heart to Jesus that night and then closed the book until a decade or so later. I never knew what it meant. I really never spoke of it again. I just did what my soul required of me that day and I never looked back. I never sought knowledge, never heard teaching, never read the Bible. I just left it there, in Panama City, Fl. and went back to my day to day. In fact, on the ride home, we sang that song again..and thankfully, I knew more of the words. I also sat closer to the cute boy and thought about how cool hanging out with Tiff and this group had been. I thought nothing more about what had just occurred. It would only be later in my life I would be able to recognize the need for this moment and truly put it in perspective.
It's a bittersweet memory for me. I consider how thoughtful my Lord was to have allowed me such a wonderful experience of fellowhship with Him at such a young and precarious time in my life. I am so humbled by how chivalrous He was. He was asking me to join Him at that moment- to surrender my everything and I was so caught up in the emotion of it all- I could not hear the request. All I could do was feel the intense love and inexplicable need to say the salvation prayer. Ironically enought, it would not be until recently in my life that I recognized a need to weigh uncontrollable emotions, their root, purpose and need...thanks to Him.
I was young. I suppose one cannot be faulted for ignorance. In fact, the Lord says "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children. Hos 4:6" I had no knowledge and ...well...there was some destruction that I experienced for sure :).
This moment was only the beginning for me as a child of the Most High. I have no idea the prayers that were prayed for my soul prior to this incident. In that moment, our Lord and the prayer warrior(s) of my soul shared a victory. I lived long in sin thereafter, but, I believe that it was because of that first step that my heart was deeply penetrated, cultivated and prepared to have the ears to hear when the He called to me again, to join Him.
Great story, right? Well, it is to me (haha)! I praise God for that moment to this and I hope one day to share it with Olivia.
In the meantime, I pray for wisdom in encouraging this young, beautiful child of God. I pray that He will draw her close and that there is already in place someone to lead her in the way of instruction, wisdom and understanding. In Jesus Name, amen.
Have an awesome day!
In His love,
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